I got married when I was 16. I wasn’t ready for the instant upgrade from teenager to adult. It was like saying, “I’m an adult now!” miraculously made me one. I had to grow into the role just like everyone else. I was terrified at the thought that I had assumed the identity of an adult through the simple act of signing a piece of paper.
It took several months to view myself as a wife. I was reminded that I was married throughout the day because my wedding band would make my skin sweat as it pressed against the folds of my fingers, irritating the webs of my hands. I needed to dry and readjust the band several times a day. I would be annoyed, and say, “What the heck is bugging me? Oh yeah, I’m married.” The ring’s symbolic meaning changed over the duration of my marriage. It originally reminded me of happiness, love, and commitment; surprisingly, that ring became a binding reminder of my discontent, and realizations that we didn‘t love each other enough. This is why I will never put another ring on my finger.
A relationship is a choice, not an obligation.
After I left my husband, it took some time to not feel married. It was a weird thing to take the wedding band off my finger knowing that I would never put it back on. I had emotionally severed myself from my husband and was resolved in my decision to no longer honor my marriage. I was done!! But I still found myself wrapping my right hands fingers over my left to adjust a ring that was no longer there. Reminding myself, “Oh, I’m divorced,” it was funny to me that I was using the same method to get comfortable with my new socially contemporary title of divorcée.
Fast forward a few months. Now that I’m remarried, I find myself confronted with a whole new set of titles that my mind needs to catch up to. When someone asks me about my husband, I have this puzzling mental image of my ex. It’s not something I stress over — it’s more of a funny-how-the-mind-works kind of feeling. I just know it’s going to take some time to habituate my life.
The tension-filled disapproval of my marital status has been weird. This marriage is both mine and my new husband’s second marriage. For some reason, all of the people who oppose find comfort in not accepting the fact that we are legally wed.
I had to take a step back and think about the possible reasons people choose not take our marriage seriously. It became clearer to me that people have individual grieving and healing processes. I was done with my marriage the second I turned off the front porch lights of my house locked the door and closed it behind me. It symbolized closing an old, dormant chapter in the book of my life, and helped me move on. Not everyone works the way I do.
For a lot of people we still belong to our exes, and it hurts when the mind reminds them that we aren’t. I am sensitive to the pain we caused but I also know it was deservingly just. Remember:
a relationship is a choice not an obligation.
Another thing I am facing is the flip-flopping status of my “stepparent-ness.” People on “Team Us” are calling me a mother, and everyone else says I’m playing house. I want to make it clear that I do not feel like a parent. When people call me “Mom” I can’t help but feel annoyed. My mind hasn’t caught up yet, and I’m not really sure what role I feel comfortable playing in their lives. I am a stepparent by virtue of my status (regardless of preparation), but just like being told I’m an adult (before I was ready) it doesn’t make me one. I need to grow into the role.
The Mental Ward 
this post has rocked my soul! one of my best friends and cousin recently remarried after a recent divorce. i suspect that she’s probably experiencing the same in terms of public thought.
“I had to take a step back and think about the possible reasons people choose not take our marriage seriously. It became clearer to me that people have individual grieving and healing processes. I was done with my marriage the second I turned off the front porch lights of my house locked the door and closed it behind me. It symbolized closing an old, dormant chapter in the book of my life, and helped me move on. Not everyone works the way I do.”
i can’t express that any better. who the heck really cares what other people think? what other people criticise? thank you for this post. it truly makes a girl feel more connected and therefore more accepted!
and i’m sending a link to your article to my very recently remarried fabulous cousin, right this very moment! x
Wow this is a great post!
While a do not disagree with anything you say here (and some echoes parts of my own history), may I humbly ask you to consider one question? I remember being quite sharp with my new wife’s grand-daughter when she called me “granddad”. When I looked back on that now I realised that this young girl felt hurt and rejected. When you got annoyed at being called “mom” do you know how *they* felt about it? Have you talked with them about your feelings and asked about theirs? An honest and open discussion about the issue would help you all to understand and accept each others’ feelings and help you to build a better relationship, whatever you call one another, I do hope you don’t feel that I am being too intrusive here?
I should clarify, the children don’t call me mom. I am being called mom by family, friends, and acquaintances. I should tweak that! I love the children. I just don’t want them thinking that I think I’m their mom. Thanks so much…
No probs. I certainly didn’t want to cross the line.
I understand that the children do not call you mom. Yet, I do hope though that if for some reason they want to call you mom, you consider that maybe they want and need you to be their mom. You being their mom could mean a lot to them, maybe. And it would be very uncomfortable if you asked them to stop. Telling others to not call you a mom may show that you are not accepting of the children, so just be careful how you express yourself. Good luck and I am glad you found love again. This whole label thing and exes, it will all die down soon.
So few of us think about the consequences of our casual remarks to others. I’m often startled at the advice/commentary people give to their family, friends, and strangers. I’ve been counseling others for many years, yet I don’t think i know more about how they should lives their lives than they do. My main task is to help them be clear about their own beliefs and fears, not to force mine upon them.
Your caution about being called Mom is how you feel. i frequently share with my clients that I’ve made many more mistakes by rushing than I did by proceeding slowly.
It’s refreshing to see it from a different angle. It’s how I learn and grow. I love that you brought it to my attention.
Thank you. 🙂
This is a really great post. It’s terrible that people are criticizing you and your marriage – I’ll never understand why someone would want someone they care about to stay in a situation that didn’t make them happy. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it.
It’s all so maddening how people feel safe with “labels”. Before my husband and I got married, I told him that I didn’t NEED to be married to him in order to spend the rest of my life with him. But after much discussion, we went ahead with it because this was something that was important to him. He wears his rings, I often don’t. Partially because I need to have them resized, and another part being that I don’t need a ring to tell the world that I’m with him. I do that through my actions. (same with my last night) Just because I don’t wear a ring or have kept my own last name doesn’t make me ANY less married.
I had two children from a previous relationship and my husband actually had a talk with my oldest telling him that he could call him whatever he wanted and it wouldnt’ change how he felt toward him. But my son (in all his 5 years wisdom) just looked at him and said, “I know, but I’m just not ready to call you ‘dad’ yet.” CRAZY
*last name. Haha sorry!
I was 20 when I married my first wife. I can relate to the challenges of morphing into adulthood without the proper tools. I was married for 26 years and I was the one who pulled the plug. The most common question from my friends was “can’t you reconcile?”. Gee! Hadn’t thought of that! They gave me up as friends because I no longer supported their “perfect” vision of the world. Even my very close friends could not deal with the forced change to their perceptions. That was the most surprising thing to me.
Positive change is very clarifying. And even without the people I considered friends for most of my life, I have never been happier!
Really great post! Thanks for sharing.
Having been married twice to women I loved did not make for lasting relationships. I used to think I had failed, but now realize that just because each ran its course does not mean it was a failure. Rather existed for only a time like everything else about us human beings. I am in love again and wonder what story this love will write…
Congratulations on you wedding… As Mr. Spock might say “I hope you two live long and proper together”
Another great post, Jessica. Going through the separation/divorce thing myself at the moment. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
glad to know that you have found a new life. Just take things as it goes and enjoy each day to the fullest. don’t forget, you are the one who can take charge of your own path and nobody should critique that.
take care!
Another good thoughtful post. It seems your life is often about playing catch-up. You got married young and only afterwards did you start to appreciate the consequences. Now you’ve re-married and are having to come to terms with being a “step-parent” I got married young — at 20. We had 3 lovely children and were pretty happy but then things unravelled in our 30’s. The divorce came when I was 38 and after years of emotional turmoil I finally fell in love again and remarried at the age of 56. In my opinion, it’s the quality of the relationship that counts, not the legal document artificially binding 2 people together. When you get older there are pensions and tax issues to consider but the most important aspects of a good relationship ( or marriage) in my view are: love and commitment
True enough, a relationship is a choice not an obligation. We just need to reaffirm that choice and stand by it no matter what; we don’t have obligations to get into others’ minds and switch modes on how they presume and assume our lives are getting at. I think they are all ADULTS enough not to over-meddle into one’s choice.
However you want yourself to be called as a parent, as long as you are taking the role of one and the children are happy. I think you don’t have to oblige yourself to one of the contemporary entitlements of being a mom in that sense.
Thanks for visiting my blog! And I want to read more of your life’s-reality-check posts! 😀
i’ve never been crazy about the word “stepparent.” it can be a great thing to be. seems like it deserves a word with a nicer feel to it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from being the child of divorced parents, each of whom has remarried, it’s that “stepparent” is its own wonderful, exciting, and very different thing. No less family for all that. Just something new, and very worthy of love. Good luck.
many thanks for visiting my blog. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and wish you much happiness in this new chapter.
Ah, these labels. Cast adrift in this identity soup we grasp at the flotsam and jetsam of verbiage hoping to paste a word on ourselves and so simplify. Then we find each and every object and person creates a whole new reality in relation to us. “Wife,” for example, brings with it practically infinite possibilities to identify oneself and others. Each perspective is both true and false. In the end we find that the label never truly defines the person. It only defines some of what they do.
I’m sorry, blah blah blah. I don’t comment often, but when I do, I do tend to go on. I am most intrigued by both of your blogs and will catch up on your history as I try to keep up with you.
You are interesting. 🙂
I appreciate the way you have with words here.
“Ah, these labels. Cast adrift in this identity soup we grasp at the flotsam and jetsam of verbiage hoping to paste a word on ourselves and so simplify. Then we find each and every object and person creates a whole new reality in relation to us. “Wife,” for example, brings with it practically infinite possibilities to identify oneself and others. Each perspective is both true and false. In the end we find that the label never truly defines the person. It only defines some of what they do.”
I see the building blocks for a fine poem …
We’re assigned roles our entire life. Eventually, we get used to it. Thankfully, “inmate” is a not role I’ve taken on. Yet.
Blended families are a great opportunity to learn about ourselves, aren’t they. I saw all kinds of things about me that I never knew until I became a step mom.
it’s unbelievable how much judgement people have. I understand it’s difficult if you have a group of friends and loved ones who don’t know how do relate to you if you are not with the person they knew you with, but if you are happy, they should be happy for you. If they aren’t happy for you, you have to question why.
good luck!
I really, REALLY like your blog — keep up the wonderful writing!
Wow this post really spoke to me.. Its so great that you understand you have to grow into your role and figure out where you fit… Being a step parent isn’t always easy, I was a step parent from a young age and never really got the whole idea of it. I was a step parent for 17 yrs but not sure if I did what I was supposed to or not.. lol Please will always judge you just have to do whats right for you and the ones closest to you..
Best of luck with your marriage and family..
I enjoyed reading this and I applaud you for sharing something so personal and I also applaud you for being able to recognize the things going on within yourself. Some people go through life just reacting but not paying attention to what’s causing them to be the way they are. You’ve gone deeper within yourself and you can’t heal until you figure out the source.
Getting married so young I’m wondering if you ever had a chance to take time for yourself. Maybe that would have helped with the feelings that you feel. It doesn’t seem you had time to live and prepare for the “adult” things that have come your way. Heck did you ever get to be a “child”? It seems that instead of learning things and trying them later you’ve only gotten “on the job” training.
None of us are ever totally prepared for adulthood…heck life itself but it’s all a learning process and we’ll all be learning and hopefully growing for all the days of our life. I’m glad to see you seem to be taking it with stride and giving it your best. I wish you nothing but happiness with your life and family.
One of my favorite books is What You Think of Me is None of My Business by Terry Cole Whitaker. She is the label liberator-you learn to live for yourself sans labels so that you alone gauge your happiness.
This post is soul felt, excellent job.
I cannot even fathom taking on the role of wife at 16 – I was still wearing elastic waistband jeans and easy spirit suede shoes. You seem like a strong woman – good for you!
Hi Jessica,
You make many wise observations here – though it may take time (like you said), it looks to me like you’ll do well in the role – once you make that choice.
Shane
Thanks for dropping in, nice page good reads.
Thanks for liking one of my posts.
My ex-boyfriend got kids. Now. I’ll never know how to be a step-Mom. 😀
I wish I will never know Divorce or getting re-married. 😀
but I am still excited to somebody get married. hehehe
Some very good reading on your pages, this is one of them, really enjoyed, thanks! I’ll be back soon 🙂
I love what you wrote, ” A relationship is a choice, not an obligation.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Awesome post Jessica! Keep it up!
I am really enjoying your blog! I so relate to your feelings about suddenly being a mother. My husband is a widower who had two sons, and when we started dating I was very overwhelmed. They were so young when their mother died, and were still quite young when I came into the picture, their need for a mother was palpable, and terrifying. Most of all though, I struggled then (and still now) with the pressure and attitude and expectations of other people who were relieved to see the boys with a new mother figure… I still am overwhelmed almost ten years later even though I am a mother now to my own daughter. I guess its all a learning process. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty.
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I find it quite interesting how, so much more often than not, people tend to get married at such an early age. All with the onslaught of those feelings of being overwhelmed from teenager status to adulthood. My wife, I’m her second she is my first…working at 27 years now, married at 16 also. From that marriage came two children, from which there has never been a dull moment. So, I can also relate to the step-parent dilemma as well.
Though, I have thought of it, but I would never change a moment, as each and every occurrence is what has made each of us what we are today. The two kids and nine grand kids later…we still survive.
Loved your write-up “Poof! You’re a Parent”, it was great!! And thank you by the way for visiting my blog, I appreciate it. The Mental Ward seems overall to be a very good and well named corner of info!
Interesting! Married at 16? I can’t imagine, I’m curious enough about that story in itself. Blog about how that came to be please! 🙂 Thanks for visiting my page, I’ll be back.
I have started and stopped this one so many times. I don’t think I’m ready. Someday I will be…
One day you will wake up and it will suddenly be the day you have enough dist
Sorry… Enough distance to write that story… In your own time.
Great post Jessica. One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because my ex was scared to end up getting divorced. His solution? Get out of the relationship. He saw feelings of doubt and the end of the “honeymoon phase” as a sign that we shouldn’t be together, and I saw it as entering a new stage. People perceive things incredibly differently from one another, and it’s always refreshing to hear other people’s experiences.
Great post. A relationship is a choice not an obligation is the truth, which is why you have to actively choose to be present everyday with your mate. BTW your story is inspiring.
I really appreciate the way you have related your evolution. Especially the way you have gone from “my marriage” (to your ex) to “our marriage” with your husband/family. Your choice/obligation comparison is also very dear to my heart. Thanks so much for sharing.
Sincerely, john
I love the honesty of your post! This was my favorite read of the day.
Lesley
lesleycarter.wordpress.com
Yes! One of my very good friends is going through something like this right now. She left her husband and has started a new relationship. Her ex- is really a very nice person–I like him quite a bit–but “nice” doesn’t necessarily make a relationship work. I wouldn’t be able to stay married to her ex-, either. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself saying to people, “Yes, ‘Joe’ is a nice guy, but that doesn’t mean ‘Sally’ is obligated to stay with him.” Her relationship, her choice. Thank you for your honest perspective.
Terri
This is a deeply moving thoughtful post. Thanks so much for sharing, and thanks for the likes on my posts.
This post is definitely refreshing to read. I think with all situations, things have a way of figuring itself out that best suits you.
Wow, you were married so young! Great post. Marrying into someone else’s family is always an adjustment.
It’s funny how divorce brings out the hidden Twilight fan in all the people that we normally think of as friends. Everyone picks a team, and it’s not always the way we would expect. My current husband, the love of my life, was the best man at my second marriage…a rebound after 10 years of abuse in my first marriage. When I made my choice to leave my second marriage to be with my husband, he lost ALL of his friends in the divorce. It wasn’t even his divorce! However, everyone was on team Second Husband, including almost all of my male friends. I had a great group of male friends from working at a small company where our offices all sort of overlapped. When I announced that I was getting divorced, they all ceased talking to me. Even my best friend was extremely irritated, and was completely indifferent to my husband for years. She loves him to death now, but it took her a long time to even be willing to get to know him.
My daughter was 8 and my son was 13 when my husband and I got married. He had never wanted children, never expected to marry, and certainly never expected to be a parent. My kids were extremely wary, since my daughter was bonded to Second Husband, whereas my son had hated him. They weren’t so thrilled with the music chairs of houses and husbands, but they are extremely resilient. They eventually realized how wonderful their stepdad is, and they both consider him to be their dad, as their biological father wanted nothing to do with them after they chose to live with me instead of him. My husband isn’t very demonstrative, and when my daughter was leaving for her freshman year of college just a few months ago, he didn’t shed a tear (that we saw). However, my daughter called me one day to say that he had called her and before he hung up, he said, “I love you.” She was shocked, but told him she loved him, too. Now, he calls her every now and again, which is a huge deal, and he always says he loves her.
My point is, being a parent isn’t about genetics. It’s sitting in the emergency room, and teaching them to ride a bike, and going to every football game even though you hate football. Even if you don’t really feel it, by doing those things, relationships will eventually develop. It just takes time. There is no “poof,” unfortunately, though it would be nice. Depending on their ages, let the kids figure it out and take their own time. You’ll be ready for whatever when they are, so it will all work out in the end.
I love your blog, and I look forward to reading more of it. You are a great writer, so welcome to the sphere.
Wow. Your husband is great. I have just broken up with the man I so wanted to marry and was ready to be a step Mom to his kids. If I’d gotten the chance to do just that, I’m sure the kids would have acted the same as yours did to your husband at first. I will never know now if I’d be able to love them as I wanted to.
It’s nice to know other people got the chance to love more.
Thanks for sharing.
Great and honest post. It is hard to leave the old behind and suddenly feel confortable in the new. It is like breaking in a new pair of shoes…it just takes a little bit of time. You will get there. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
The stuff you say about the ring hits home with me right now as I to have just taken off a ring. It is a weird feeling.
Oh man. Thats so true. a relationship is a choice, not an obligation. When i left my ex husband, he posted a photo of himself on our wedding day on his facebook, the caption said, “worst day of my life”. And comments flew in and he replied to one saying I forced him into the marriage with false promises. I knew though, he had a choice and he made the one to marry me.
I wish he would have choose different.
Great post! It’s interesting how it takes people time to grow. I had my daughter two years ago and it’s still a bit disorienting to be called a parent. Acknowledging that filling a new role and feeling comfortable there takes time is also important to remember. Thanks!
And sorry about my typo ridden comment. I need to slow down and proofread 🙂
i enjoy your site… and i like this particular post, i can relate to it in a lot of ways!
i love this post and wanted to let you know i will be using it in a post of my own! thank you, and keep it up!
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Poem # 310
AIN’T TOO BAD
What a blast
Is what I say,
I discover more of it
Every day
It is the little
Things of life,
That amaze me
And my wife
Being parents
Of our own,
Raising kids
And cleaning home
How our mom
And dad survived,
My siblings and me
How we’re still alive
I now do see
What they endured,
With our own kids
We’re never bored
Well thank you mom
And you to dad,
My kids can hope
I ain’t too bad
-Peace
What a fascinating post. I admire your honest and forthrightness! You have some great, thought-provoking posts and I’m looking forward to seeing more!
Life is one endless – well, ALMOST endless – thrill ride, right?
I could not agree more with your statement “a relationship is a choice not an obligation.” Choices indeed should be made wisely!
Heavy. My first marriage did not last long, and I am want to say to folks “it’s good to get the first one out of the way” — which sounds flip, but it’s such a growth experience, that being on the other side of marriage…. I felt so much clearer about how I wanted to live my life.
hang tough.
Thanks for visiting my blog. More so because it gave me a chance to check out your great post!
Wonderful post. I’ve been divorced for 27 years and decided not to remarry when an opportunity presented itself. I am a grandmother now but you know something, I’m not sure I’m grown up enough to consider myself an adult. To me it’s a word as well as a state of mind. By the way your writing is lovely.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I’ll be back.
Thanks for checking out my blog. This post is so raw and beautiful… Makes my problems seem pretty childish! Thanks for your honesty!
Jessica – i feel your pain and your joy. Good for you to listen to your heart and tell the truth. As the stepmom of 7 kids and a godmom to many more, let me reassure you that it IS a journey and you won’t get it right all the time. But you will succeed if you always ask yourself, “What’s the loving thing to do?”
Never come between the children and their mom – no matter how nuts it looks to you, it’s a special relationship the kids need to work out on their own. Never criticize their mom to them (after all, they are made up of 50% of their mom’s DNA) and keep just being loving. I can tell from your writing that you are someone who thinks all this stuff through, and that will serve you well. (I’m giving this advice, BTW after my step kids have passed the 22 year old to 40 year old mark… I have seen the results!)
And you know what else? The older you get the more you will realize that there are always going to be people who want to live your life. I heard a pastor at Unity Church in Kailua, Hawaii, once say, “If I’m living my life, and YOU are living my life, WHO is living YOUR life?” LOL I still chuckle when I think about that. People are sometimes busybodies about our lives because it’s too inconvenient or painful to look in the mirror. You don’t owe them an explanation… even if it’s family.
Here are the words, “I love you, and I have made choices for my life that work for me. I don’t expect you to agree with my choices, but I do expect that you will respect them.” Then hug them and walk away. You don’t need to explain endlessly. Those who haven’t gone through the pain of divorce really don’t get it. It rips a piece of your soul and it takes awhile to heal your heart. Good for you that you have found Love again and you were brave enough to not only take on a new relationship with your man, you were willing to love his children! I’m proud of you.
If you ever need a little advice about “stepping” or need a pat on the back, drop me a line. We’re all in this together. The world needs us to do a good job with these kids. And the best thing you can do is love them when they don’t feel lovable, and love yourself and your husband even when the going gets hairy.
Holiday Blessings,
and thanks for finding my blog, too!
it was fun discovering yours,
Beth
Wow! That’s all I can say…wow!