I was skimming over a friend’s book collection a few months ago. I browsed through her numerous books covering every topic from world travel to quantum physics. There was one book that stuck out like a sore thumb from the other mature and sophisticated reads: Jenna Jameson’s How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. I was instantly intrigued, and wondered how this sexy how-to book got mixed in with the other tame and acceptable mainstream topics.
It got me thinking about what was socially acceptable. Sex is always something not openly displayed for the world to see. We have to actively search for it, and then we store it under our bed or in our nightstand. It would be interesting if people could be honest about who they are and display their porn collection in the living room next to their National Geographic and TV Guide. It might lead to an open discourse about the unrealistic expectations the sex industry sets. As I read Jenna’s book it became clear that she is a very weak-minded person that has allowed (and invited) countless occasions for mental and sexual abuse to take up residency in her soul. I’m not sure she realizes how unworthy she really is to offer any advice to girls and women. All I got from the book was that:
Girls in porn don’t have orgasms on camera EVER!!!
Boys that start viewing pornography at a young age before their first sexual experience condition themselves to only have sex like a porn star. This causes so many problems. Boys aren’t learning how to please their partners — they are learning how to jack hammer their mark for the most visually pleasing pop shot. The lesson they’ll never learn is:
Girls are tricky; we need things to climax, and Sex like a porn star doesn’t cut it.
I hope that most girls are comfortable enough to have that difficult conversation. If they don’t, then they enable their guys to think their performance is effective. Guys are usually too simple to catch on to your rhythmic groaning and your lack of vaginal moisture. I know you would rather keep up the illusion of being a satisfied sex kitten, but
You’re not helping your relationship by pretending.
It will escalate overtime if you don’t speak up. If you have ever made love like a lover you know that cheep thrills and fetishes don’t measure up to satisfying sex. Making love like a lover is where both partners are equally invested and care about pleasing the other. I think the adventures in sexual experimentation are really attempts to find satisfaction from meaningless sex. The search for meaning in meaningless sex will always leave you feeling empty and searching for more, as the craving for the next thrill sets in. I have heard about this getting out of hand.
Couples that aren’t pleased sexually => Start to entertain the thoughts of sexual exploration => Then they flirt with the desire to fulfill a vivid fantasy => Ultimately, they act on it
If you’ve entered into the binding restrictions of marriage, and if you think you have found a shortcut to conscience-stricken gratification by manipulating your spouse into situations that make you feel less guilty about having sex with other people, I’m afraid all you did was thicken the plot. It never satisfies the craving — it just makes the problems crystal clear. He wasn’t wanting to heat up your sex life, girls… he was wanting to heat up his. To the guys: your wife just went along with it to make you happy. You selfishly inflicted her with conflicting emotions about love relationships, true intentions and sex, just so you could get your rocks off. You should have:
Spared her the sexual abuse and just told her you don’t love her enough to not want to see her
get plowed by another dude...
I always tend to agree with the testosterone-driven side of the relationship equation. Estrogen-enriched beings are passive-aggressive loons who have fine-tuned the parallel arts of entitlement and victimization. We really are the reason for our troubles, and the fact that our simple counterparts aren’t mind-readers and can only go by what we tell them or don’t makes the fault entirely ours. I love the saying, “The only dumb question is the one that isn’t asked,” which means that leaving important questions off the table till after dessert is
an entrapment strategy.
All of our relationship expectations should be digesting before the appetizers are even ordered. I’m trying to find a way to mentally allow myself to place the blame entirely on the guy, but I don’t think I can do it. It’s a calibration from both sides.
I‘ve had 5 girlfriends sporadically placed through my life that were in troubled marriages because their husbands preferred pornography over marital sex. My friends had convinced themselves that pornography was the only problem in their marriages. I don’t get it why would a guy choose the humiliating option of airbrushed fantasy over the bitter, angry, overweight, still-in-the-same-pajamas-when-you-get-home-from-a- hard-days-work-to-no-dinner-on-the-table, nagging ball and chain. I felt sorry for the guys; their wives did everything in their power to make their husbands miserable for inconveniencing their delusion and for forcing their wife (with all the adjectives above) to view reality. With one exception, all of their marriages have resulted in an inevitable divorce. So I conclude that
Pornography doesn’t cause bad marriages it keeps you in them…
Rick said:
Terrific post, Jessica.
mrhv said:
Great post. Excellently presented and straight forward. Also, I love the fact that you’ve touched a great point “It’s a calibration from both sides.”
Great way to put it. Looking forward to reading some more of your posts.
glutenvygirl said:
Wow. You are making me think, pretty early in the morning.
You bring up some very interesting and intriguing points. Well done.
REBECCA DAWN said:
I read that book as well, found some parts of traumatising. :s
I couldnt but agree on your entry.
pornography distorts how sex really is. when people get in relationships and men/women find themselves comparing their partner to what they have seen in the films. some women are just too shy to speak their minds about what they like or dont like, and some men are just deaf to their partners needs.
Scott Mitchell said:
Good writing!
I almost didn’t read this as I wasn’t feeling like reading about porn, lol, but I’m glad I did. Very interesting. I knew if you wrote it, it had to be something good 🙂
Christine Estima said:
Jack-hammering . . . that is one male-tendency we women have to constantly TRAIN our men to not to.
And it takes For.Ev.Er.
7man said:
There is likely a correlation between modern “radical circumcision” and this typical male behavior. But there is a greater reluctance to broach this issue.
societyred said:
I really like your honest commentary about a subject typically not discussed. Open, honest communication between two people will always be the most important ingredient to a happy union. It also can serve to realize why being together may not be the best choice. Without honest communication we rely on assumptions; a guaranteed relationship-killer. We have (x) amount of time here, might as well sort out the details first-thing.
Great stuff!
cryinforthedyin said:
Hello..Good and insightful. In truth I see every person..in every situation..a reality..a truth..something trying to reach themselves that they may reach others..Mom’s gave me a book when I was sixteen..with the following words..’never talk about a girl in front of another girl’..the book was ‘The Art of Loving’. I learned from it..and ‘less it is complimentary or obligatory, I never speak of anyone..:-)..Peace Tony
pinkimagination said:
I agree with you 100% – people need to be more realistic about sex. Sometimes it’s great to get a bit kinky and have wild sex, but ultimately, the best sex is the one where you actually *connect* as two people on an emotional level as well as a physical one.
I have had more than my fair share of guys, many of whom were one night stands (and some were on the same night!), but even though you enjoy yourself and you have something funny to tell *only* your *closest* friends (as a girl, I’m not allowed to do those sorts of things – if I was a guy, I’d be commended and held as a hero amongst my peers; as a girl, I’d be shunned and exiled from my social circle), you are always left wanting more. Confusing more sex with love are we? I know I have!!
Guys are under a lot of pressure to make women scream in ecstacy and women are under even more pressure to have the botoxicised lips, massive breasts which doesn’t comply with the laws of gravity, a flat stomach and a peachy ass which can take 12 inches without bleeding, all the time screaming and encouraging her partner, often multi-tasking with herself (or one of his mates!). Seriously. How can ANYONE live up to that??
No wonder people are confused about sex and are so embarrassed about our bodies – we’re competing against these plastic Barbies and supercharged Kens…
Klextin said:
Who can argue with the truth, I bow to the wisdom of Ms. ward!
daddyranman said:
We should totally be open about sex and all its meaning. Now please delete my comment as I continue to hide my opinions on sex from society as per protocol.
aPrettiProblem said:
Nice Blog! I followed…Follow back and tell your friends too! Im just starting today 🙂
Roxanne said:
Great post! I personally loved her book, probably because I understand her weak-minded ways. I have since changed, but understand it.
Me and my husband recently just talked about porn. We’re Christians and the church repeatedly talks about not watching it. We both do, separately. And we personally do not find it effecting our relationship or our sex life. I take that back, I think that he has been watching it and actually reading up on pleasuring me better. Let me tell you, after 8 years together (including before marriage) and 2 kids later, sex is better than ever. We seem to enjoy the porn for recreational purposes. I don’t lust after these people or desire to be in their “positions” (pun intended) – perhaps we’re the exception.
My husband is very honest and truthful. He has no reason to lie, he is a man of few words and only gets what he wants. He comes to my bed every night so I am confident I’m the one he wants.
Sex should definitely be vocalized more – it’s a very confusing subject for both men and women. It is most definitely a two-way street. I was a prude for a long time and being in a stable and confident relationship has allowed me to lose my ambitions and embrace real love making sex in all it’s beautiful glory.
Unfortunately, we as a society have excepted pre-martial sex as the norm. And in fact look down and encourage those who haven’t had sex prior to matrimony to do it. “Gotta try the milk before you buy the cow” – Sorry folks that’s nothing but a crock of sh*t! Do you know how many changes a woman’s body goes through? Puberty – Pregnancy – Birth – Breastfeeding – Post-pardum depression – Menopause. Our vulnerable bodies go through so much and so many changes through a lifetime. To tell me that sex with an innocent and naive tight 16 year old is going to be the same as when she is 26 is nothing but a lie.
Just like love, sex changes, it evolves and grows with the couple. Trust me ladies a real man will give you an orgasm, it can happen, not once but several times. A real climax isn’t just in fairytales and porn – it’s a realistic goal brought on by real love.
Jessica Ward said:
This is a very colorful response! We are at a loss as to how to precisely reply. But do one thing. Please tell us if you really meant “lose my ambitions,” which is great by the way, or if you meant “lose my inhibitions,” which still fits.
You are a girl – that means you aren’t driven by visual stimulation for sexual purposes. If your husband is losing himself in porn as a regular practice, he may be coming to your bed but in all likelihood he’s really, mentally, in someone else’s while you learn to vocalize…
Roxanne said:
Inhibitions is the correct word, thank you.
I’m not sure what you mean by “in someone else’s while you learn to vocalize…”
I think we enjoy it for the quick purpose of self pleasure. I think that is understandable for both persons. He doesn’t hide it from me or lie to me about enjoying it. And I take no offense to it. He does not “lose” himself in it – as in he doesn’t spend hours looking at it and jacking off. I can’t vouch for how often he does do it – but I am very confident he enjoys me.
I understand where the church and people would have their concerns – but honestly you can apply this to every media outlet and every type of show that we have out there. One must always have a balance – porn or QVC – does it really matter which vice gets you off? Self-control is the answer. What he wants to do his thing. And what I enjoy is my thing. This is why God is valuable for a happy and successful marriage – for we become one in marriage – but we are still the children of God – therefore he continues to teach us and we continue to grow in our journey with Him. The relationships that we pick up along our spiritual journey with Christ is the icing on the cake.
I have committed myself to him and he has committed himself to me. In this death to us part gig I have been very blessed. I trust that my husband knows his limits. He has proven to be a mentally and spiritually strong person. He has seen his weaknesses (without me nagging him – prayer works) and has worked on them himself. I don’t have faith that he will be a good husband, I have faith that God has sent the right person for me. I have faith that God will continue to work on me to be the best wife I can for him.
Shelley- prov31dream said:
I totally appreciate the candid comment and the truth from your perspective. I have to tell you though Roxanne, from my paradigm and my experience. You are absolutely right – as a believer – to me, there is no difference than lingering on the thought of the stranger joking down the street or the excitement some women get from their UPS drivers conversation with them at work or the entrapment of porn. However, let’s be completedly honest. Porn is never recreational for the mind of a male. It strokes a section in their brain that already focuses on the opposite sex and unless you are jointly only viewing soft core porn, I honestly can’t see how you can endure it. I won’t judge your viewing of it I just wanted to say there is no exceptions to the human condition. We all find a vice and EVENTUALLY throw more and more into it. Either emotionally, financially or in a spiritual sense of endurement.
Women are often the victims of taking the high of couponing and becoming crazy over it – eventually consuming time that should be spent on other things. Women may be able to watch porn but your eyes are not your main sex organ. The love and affection your husband obviously gives you shows that he genuinely loves you and that is why this issue seems different for you.
I think Jessica is absolutely right about the male brain! Unfortunately they can not compartmentalize sex away from what they watch. Even if it’s the cutie on tv. Men (to which I am grateful for) translate what they watch, see or fancy to the act.
I would really ask an honest question, “If I said I could strip away all of the knowledge you gained from porn, all of the things you have seen and asked to let’s not ever view anything close to that, not even soft core R movies… how long could you go without needing those images?” It sounds like honesty is a great thing in your marriage. So, why don’t you just for kicks to prove us all wrong try to remain completely unplugged with your husband and anything that is related to sensual images. See how long your self-control works?
I have worked with enough people from that other side of the industry and this side of the marriages and this side of recovery form the true patterns of addictions related to masterbation. The answer will always lead to life changing revelation about what you think is innocent. May be not now… but just like the shopping high, the need to buy something without paying for it, or the over the top unreal sexual encounters; there is a price being paid whether you realize it or not.
Roxanne, you may think self-control is on your side, but for anyone who has ever learned how to change their life knows. Self-control isn’t motivation in and of itself.
Don’t believe me? (www.xxxchurch.com) Check out the testimonials of wives who thought like you, or husbands who couldn’t bare to tell their wives they felt nothing without day dreaming of porn all day in order to have sex with their wives.
Roxanne said:
Shelley,
I appreciate the challenge – and definitely understand it. This idea of not watching porn is a topic that has been popping up lately for me. My husband is very strong minded and I will need to find the most opportune moment when he is an open state of mind to except such an idea.
He has been raised in the church and knows the bible by heart, so I trust that if we continue to have an open dialogue about it along with prayer we will both discover what needs to be done.
The key to success with him in matters that I feel that he can improve on, is not to change him but rather to see him be as successful as he can be, is to discuss it openly but allow him to come to his on conclusions – kind of like that neck theory – he is the head but I tell him which direction to turn.
7man said:
Roxanne,
It sounds like you have a great husband and have built your marriage on openness and honesty. But you said, “I don’t have faith that he will be a good husband, I have faith that God has sent the right person for me.” I suppose this means that he does not have to love you, but he can love that God brought the right woman to him. Fair is fair. Think about it! (I am blunt, but it is likely that you have not considered the implications of the way you phrased your statement.) Most of what you write indicates you have good intuition about your husband, so continue to trust him.
I am not an egalitarian. I believe in complementarity and hierarchy and have found that this is consistent with the Bible.
Do not be swayed by women that say your husband is approaching your marriage bed while thinking about another woman. Do not believe what women say about what goes on in the minds of men when it comes to sexuality. Women often do not know what is causing the emotions they are feeling inside themselves much less the motivations behind the thoughts in men. Projection is rampant.
Believing what women say men think is more likely to cause problems than facilitate relationship improvement. You are much better off following the lead of your husband when it comes to matters of morality because you have a marriage based on trust and honesty. Otherwise it would imply that you don’t think God has granted men the capability to lead morally. Does the Bible implore you to listen to other women, or to listen to your husband?
Roxanne said:
Yes! Where were you last week? LOL, I sure could have used this advice then. I appreciate these ladies opinions but I must admit that I allowed their problems to create problems in my life. Silly silly women and their crazy insecurities. And that is why I have very few lady friends.
Perhaps I miss stated what I said, I was trying to make a point that I do not put my faith in my husband but rather in God. For man will always fail, on a daily basis, but God is awesome in all he does. Get it now? I’m sure you do. I totally love my husband he is great. We have fun. We tell jokes, and hey sometimes we masturbate alone. Is that such a big deal? No, not at all! Nobody is leaving anybody for some fantasy because if one does clearly that person has a misconception of reality. Unless your Tiger Woods which in his case the man can’t help but have a sex addiction. Hello, the p ssy is everywhere, and it’s free? LOL <— that's just a joke!
I'm over this whole thing, can I just get back to my happy marriage and masturbating shamelessly. HAHAHA How do I unsubscribe to this damn post – IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!
CL said:
Silly silly women and their crazy insecurities. And that is why I have very few lady friends.
A wise choice. I am the same way.
7man said:
As I said in my post: Masculinity
The best women are also supportive and complementary of their man. They understand that he will mess up from time to time, as all men do, but they do not dwell on his past mistakes.
sobnyc said:
Very nice. this is my first visit, me like/me follow.
I noticed in one of your pieces that you mentioned you live in San Diego. I wrote a non-fictional story about my life that included a hitchhiking escape during the 1970’s thru San Diego. If you’re interested I could email it to you. I would appreciate an honest critique of my writing after you’re done.
Let me know
-Peace
Jessica Ward said:
Yes!!! Send it over…
sobnyc said:
J,
Did you receive the email(s) ?
Jessica Ward said:
Yes I got them! Thank you, busy day for me today. I will read it when I have time that isn‘t going to be interrupted. I skimmed over the intro and didn’t get bored, so that’s a good start. I usually drift off by paragraph two. I’m excited to read it! Jessica…
Sharlee said:
Thanks for the “like” on my post. I am intrigued by your blog. You’ve found yourself another reader! :
deadbeads said:
I don’t even know where to begin. We are trying to imitate something we saw or heard which is pure fiction. I do agree with you on so many levels. Following.
deadbeads said:
And thanks for liking my posts.
Jess said:
Porn is a very touchy subject for a lot of folks, especially this girl. I, however make a huge effort on my part, to not judge others for looking at. Really it’s not my business!
I had been happily married (or so I thought), when out of the blue {well for me}
I found out in less than 24 hours that my husband/partner for 7 years, had been cheating on me for 4 of those years. It all started with, well you probably guessed it, pornography.
When we were first married, and off and on up until I discovered his secret, I enjoyed looking at ‘naughty’ pictures and things with him (I never knew I was fueling his desire). He took his obsessions with porn to a whole different level when he started browsing the ‘wanted ads’ for other females (online & obviously behind my back). He had set up an email account and had posted on the dating websites looking for ‘someone’ to help satisfy his needs. Funny thing being, we had sex on a regular basis (might be TMI-but I thought anywhere from a modest 3x -7+x per week was ‘regular’ plus adding 2 small children, 2 full time jobs-his and mine, full schedules with church, etc.)
After discovering all that I did, I found out his issues with me, and himself. I really didn’t know what ‘sex addiction’ meant until last year!
He wanted to save our family, and put himself through counseling. I did go with him to most sessions.
After all that, I believe sex is still very healthy and if you would choose to add porn into your sex life, that’s cool, but some people can’t handle it!
I hope all that makes sense!
Thanks for posting this! I’m new to your site, and enjoy your topics you write about, I’ll definitely be reading more!
7man said:
The porn was not the problem here. A man that would be unfaithful would almost certainly view porn, but a man viewing porn is not an indicator that he will be unfaithful. The “slippery slope” is an overrated fallacy.
blooberrymuffin said:
^ Likewise, thank you for finding and liking my post. 🙂 Your journey is an inspiration.
ph1ltheee said:
Hi Jessica
Interesting post – I think you’re points on young men being ‘bred’ to be like pornstars is very true, especially as ‘vanilla’ sex is often seen as boring these days.
However, I do not believe that all porn is evil – rather that its use is subjective and personal to the consumer. It can be an unselfish release for those who are not fulfilled in their physical affections (due to a number of reasons, not necessarily problems with the relationship itself), and its use actually prevents straying.
As for the person who thought 3 – 7 times a week was ‘regular’ – wow!! I always thought it was per month rather than week! 🙂
And thanks for liking my movie posts!
Jessica Ward said:
Cheating refers to the breaking of rules to gain advantage in a competitive situation. The rules infringed may be explicit, or they may be from an unwritten code of conduct based on morality, ethics or custom, making the identification of cheating a subjective process.
My opinion is that any sex outside of your wife is cheating. Thoughts and images used to help tantalize your masturbation, and marital sex is a dishonor to your spouse. If the options are pornography or stray/settle or be alone. I fear you have some hard facts to face. I wish that women had the understanding that they don’t deserve a guy that prefers pornography over them (or needs it to have sex with them) you are worth so much more. It’s insulting no mater how you look at it. But most women choose not to look. The last statement of my blog is ringing even louder. Pornography doesn’t cause bad marriages( I agree), It keeps you in them.
sticker1 said:
Nice work saying what needs to be said. Both this and your Entrapment give great voice to the confusion, frustration, and self-hatred I felt for the first 23 years of my life.
slice154 said:
Ha. Great post. Right on.
Shelley- prov31dream said:
Roxanne,
As I was trying to convey, you sound like you have it all together. I just know that even I had trouble with the issue once I started to feel like it wasn’t the best thing for our intimacy (my first marriage).
Strange, how even women can get wrapped up in unhealthy fantasy wihtout really thinking it’s harmful. I know I did. The honesty of your last response reveals that you clearly were not the person who brought the package into the marriage and you obviously realize that this is a source of release for your husband he may not want to part with.
I hope not, I hope you can continue to have a loving, fruitful marriage. I will pray for you to have guidance for your own marriage. I don’t know you or your husband, and I hope you can continue to work through issues openly and without judgement. That is always a good foundation. Just be careful, the hook that porn puts in the visual mind is often difficult to cut loose.
Roxanne said:
Thank you very much for the prayers! It is a wonderful blessing to have a complete stranger have my best interest in their heart! God bless you Shelley!
7man said:
Shelly,
BS…. Roxanne does not have it “all together” because no one does.
You have created a mountain out of a molehill. You have projected your experiences onto another woman’s situation but your marital demise was not cause by porn. Life is not so simple and the issues in your life were way more complex than his porn usage.
I don’t promote porn usage, but it is not the source of all marital problems and is not a valid cause for divorce (nor is masturbation) as it is so commonly attributed. Rather it might be an indicator of deeper issues, or maybe it is not much of anything at all.
kriskin1 said:
I welcome and appreciate the courage you got and honesty to write about such a subject that is always hushed.
festivalmonkey said:
Fair play for taking on a such a difficult subject and writing about it so well. You’ve got people talking and thinking, well done. I wonder whether it’s the porn it’s self or attitudes towards sex that create most problems..?
Gandalfe said:
Jack hammering? WTH? I must lead a sheltered life. Creates an instant visual though. I just find it hard to believe that either partner would appreciate that. Different strokes and all I guess.
rachel bar said:
Great blog! Well written and quite profound. You are writing about one of the most desired and despised topics in the world: Intimate sex versus hidden sex.
Had a chance to read only this one, as I have to go back to work, but will definitely follow!
dM Buteau said:
Very interesting write-up & assessment! Peole allow their marriages to go to the way side because they get comfortable with each other…that is where the problems lay. Porn is a big, but wrong, influence on the young with respect to their sexuality and its use as a “how to” manual. hmmmm! The repressiveness of American’s in general, sexually speaking, is quite another problem. The European’s and the rest of the world are much less “prudish” and far more open with their sexuality, which would/could be the answer to many problems here in America. Just some food for thought…
susielindau said:
Great topic and points. I can see where all the trouble begins!
doublespeakgazette said:
Absolutely hilarious, because it’s so true! I’ll definitely keep an eye on your posts, I love the blatant truth.
Fish & Bicycles said:
Liked this post as much for Jessica’s take on the subject as I did for the discussion here in the comments.
I wrote a post about Jenna’s book WAY back in 2004, at my first and now-defunct blog, and I was really turned off by these quotes from her in a Reuters piece on the book:
That said, with all due respect, I really take offense at the generalized characterizations, expressed by several in this thread, of men as simple-minded and selfish when it comes to sex.
Stereotypes are never a good thing, they always oversimplify, they always hurt someone, and it’s really a ridiculously counterproductive thing to participate in the perpetuation of a stereotype.
Rather, it seems to me to make more sense for women to promote the idea that men are perfectly capable of being egalitarian when it comes to relationships and sex.
Men, of course, have their own work to do around eliminating stereotypes, but, as corny as it sounds, I still believe that two wrongs never make a right.
rastaphoto said:
Great post. As a teacher I often talk to my male pupils and let them ask what they want about sex. You wouldn´t believe the questions you get (which is good so they can be answered but bad when you see 13-14 years-old-boys know almost nothing since they learn from watching porn instead of talking to their parents or other adults).They get confused when they are asked questions like “Do you really think someone would like something stuck down their throat so far they can´t bread?”. Simple questions to help them reflect is all it takes. There is great relief in their faces when they find out that porn is not equal to sex, and definitely not to making love.
Porn gives a distorted version of sex (without love) that seem to be taken as the only way to have sex. The boys are immensely pressured by these images and if the partner/girl/boy does not tell them how they really want their love life to be then how will they know. If neither the partner nor parents, teachers or other adults let young teenagers talk openly about sex, well then porn is what will inform them.
Judging from the comments above I seem not to be a man when my biggest concern always have been satisfying my partner. That is not because I want reaffirmation, but I honestly wants her to enjoy it as much as i do. If not than I could as well go without.
You make a good point about the woman explaining what she likes. How can boys and later men learn if not by communication?
CL said:
For the women here blaming and shaming, here are some posts I wrote recently on the topic of men and pornography. Read these before you go having “a talk” with your husbands or reaching spurious conclusions about what caused his cheating, or assuming you know what exactly is going on in the minds of men while they watch porn. Perhaps have him read them too, then have some open dialogue rather than using accusations and emotional manipulation that will put him on the defensive.
Roxanne said:
Thank you so much for this. My conversation on here had planted a bad seed in my mind and created a problem that was not there before. I look forward to reading your material.
CL said:
You’re most welcome! As I said in reply on my post, it can be a problem when women start these conversations and then sway each other into the herd mentality of thinking there’s a problem where there isn’t. If you’re not bothered by porn use in your relationship, then don’t worry about it. As 7man said above, follow your husband, not a bunch of women. 😉
Occam's Mormon said:
The men trying to calm Roxanne here are either naive, or trying to obfuscate to keep our men’s secrets, well, secret. So here’s a man’s response for you.
There SHOULD be a seed in there Roxanne, because I promise you, if your husband is in a room turning into a hormonal maniac as his pulse rises from every minute of simulated orgasms on his television/computer screen, and then goes into “your bed” (do you sleep in separate rooms??) to have relations with you, then the woman in his mind’s eye mid-coitus is NOT YOU. He’s sleeping with the woman who just made his sexual heart soar.
The seed didn’t get planted on this blog, it got watered (in other words, the seed was there, but now you have some logical validation for having that seed).
To answer the repeated links to some other dude’s site: look, no one is arguing against masturbation. We’re arguing against porn as a vehicle you end up needing like a drug in order to spend quality time in bed with your wife. So stop pointing us all to masturbation articles and focus on the topic at hand, man! The porn is the problem. The man’s addiction to porn is the problem.
If you have any questions, feel free to read my blog at men’sfashionsecrets.wordpress.com. No really.
And for full disclosure, I’m this blogger’s husband. But I felt a man should step in since there’s this ridiculous bandwagon growing that needs to be cockblocked 🙂 The bandwagon is that because some women are agreeing (no, a lot of women are agreeing) with this blog, then somehow that makes it wrong. Herd mentality isn’t always wrong. The herd also believes the sky is blue on a clear, sunny day.
Roxanne said:
blah blah blah how the fuck do i unsubscribe to this shit….feel free to answer this question and then delete it! HELP i’m stuck in a mindless contraption of advice i didnt ask for !!! ahhhhhh its the no porn monster again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CL said:
There should be a link in your email to your wordpress subscriptions, or else try going to wordpress to find your subscriptions. The sky being blue isn’t a belief, it’s a fact, lol. And I’m not a dude!
Jessica Ward said:
The fact that the sky is in FACT blue was the point. Thanks for pointing out the obvious. Stop using my blog to promote, and drive traffic to yours! Are the two of you (CL&7Man) enabling each others introvertness? You need to get out more. I think my favorite Jack Nicholson quote is fitting “Go Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”
joyannaadams said:
Mmmm…and here I thought all it took was a good fit! LOL!
t said:
Nicely written, and very insightful! I’ve thought about it quite a bit, and i feel the real lure of porn may be the power preceived over the sexual gratification (especially when considering how “lacking” it is in comparison to healthy sex between two vested partners).
grenobloise said:
Great post Jessica! & thanks for visiting my blog. I’m glad I never had this particular issue in my relationships. I wouldn’t tolerate my man looking at porn, just like I wouldn’t tolerate him smoking/doing drugs. Plain and simple. I have my values, know what works (and doesn’t) for me relationship-wise and I stick to them because I seek only happy and healthy relationships. I ask questions about porn, drugs, other possible addictions, etc. before getting serious in a relationship because I know they’re deal-breakers for me. Why set yourself up for pain and disappointment?
Jessica Ward said:
It’s something I would never tolerate as well. I have seen it time and time again women settling for less then desirable situations because they don’t feel they deserve better. Women need to stop letting men determine their worth. If a guy isn’t treating you like a Goddess and his actions are secretly hurting you because you lack the strength to request the respect you’re owed. I can’t help but feel disappointed in you. Remember you teach people how to treat you. Thanks for your comment!!
lionessallison said:
Very nice right up! I am usually particular about marriages! I should make some of my friends see this……I’m hoping its nat too late!
Can I share this on my blog? With reference definitely!
Jessica Ward said:
Feel free…
lionessallison said:
Wow! I didn’t read all these comments before! To those who used this very educating post to promote their blogs,shame on you! Roxxane? You don’t /didn’t have to go over board with your replies,I read your 1st comment,it was harmless,and that was your take,I am surprised people are yet to realize others will always have their take not caring what is right or wrong anyway! And between SEX is NOT a CONFUSING/COMPLICATED Subject! Love is! If the sex is great,there’s no complication or trying to make it better great is great!………..its very rare that sex goes bad and the spark comes in again! It will take a miracle,something is always missing!
I’d like to also say,I do not support porn viewing for married couples,whether to better yourselves or to keep distracted from your very “unpleasing” wife or husband!………..its not only UNGODLY,its unhealthy!
But I can only say this,you’d still do what you want to/believe in
Great post all the same,if you all are open minded about this,you’d find that there’s something to learn from each other
The Blissful Adventurer said:
Wow! I sense a great book in your future. You are insightful and nimble with language. I applaud this piece
jack said:
I will treat her like a Goddess if she will treat me like a God.
Jessica Ward said:
As it should be!
Douglas Park said:
“All of our relationship expectations should be digesting before the appetizers are even ordered”
A point that all should consider and apply. really really good post! thank you Jessica!
marriagecoach1 said:
Well I would like to add my two cents worth. As a former baptist minister, and a current marriage, relationship and sexual coach, women can be their own worst enemies. Men need instruction as every woman is different. We need to know in words what feels good to you and what does not.
Sadly most women go from chatty Cathy outside the bedroom to deathly quiet in bed with her guy. Now I blame the churches and a girl’s parents for this. Both teach little girlst that sex is: “bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it”. Sadly they are often negatively conditioned for life about their sexuality and have real ambivalence over this.
Most guys don’t help because they are stuck in that old adolescent way of having sex called: ” Wham bam thank you maam” leaving most women feeling unfilled and used like a piece of meat.
The key is for both people to start talking to each other and tell them what they would like in bed and then do their best to give it to them. No is such an ugly word. It says that your partners wants and desires are not important to you. Most women grow up with that fantasy of “happily ever after” but seldom if ever consider what that looks like for a guy. Sadly she does not get her fantasy fulfilled because she does not fulfill his fantasy and then he resorts to porn.
Ladies love your husband well and often and give him what he wants including frily lingerie of his choice and most men would not even be interested in porn.
Blessings on you and yours
John
Jessica Ward said:
I just love this! Thank you so much…
rastaphoto said:
Amen 😉
Kaaya_Fitness_Coach said:
Great reply marriagecoach1
marriagecoach1 said:
Hey Fitness Coach
Thanks, thats why I get the big bucks.
John
marriagecoach1 said:
Your welcome
John
jamieloveseula said:
Great post! Very well written!
James Fant said:
I’m really glad that I read this post. The title of Jenna’s book is actually ironic. There’s a lot of sex in those steamy scenes; some lust perhaps. But I wouldn’t consider it love making. The interesting thing about the porn industry is that married couples actually purchase the material together and will watch a movie to create the mood. But honestly, what can porn actors really teach a married couple about making love in the truest sense of the phrase?
JamieAnne said:
Great, thought provoking post!
jilledelmanlcsw said:
Really good post.
Kaaya_Fitness_Coach said:
What a great insight to porn (something my wife and I enjoy together on a regular basis) and its effect on relationships. I think at the end of the day we have to realize that porn is made to stimulate but not really to be emulated if you are looking for true physical pleasure for you or your partner.
mariosphere said:
Very interesting and insightful posting on marriage (or couplehood) and pornography, especially coming from a woman. I appreciate the fresh, nonjudgmental approach you took here, Jessica.
Pornography in and of itself isn’t to blame for what ails a couple (married or not). Guys are visual creatures, but they are also sensitive, not just perverts who want to see the latest chikan video. It’s like cartoons and violence, or the false analogy that violent videogames promote violence. Whoever says that does not understand the human mind, let alone the male psyche.
I think that guilty pleasures like watching porn should be shared to a degree by both partners in a relationship, without calling to judgment or religious verbosity (so prevalent in our hypocritical society). I wouldn’t be surprised if a guy who spends hours jerking off to a video feels his arguments for watching it alone gently dismantled by a caring and tolerant spouse, without a word of condescension or patronizing.
That doesn’t mean that the woman has to put up with anything and everything the guy is bent on watching. Some porn out there is just too gross or disgusting for many of us.
David Halliday said:
Age is an odd set of credentials. But I have learned at least three things about sex. I. communication is crucial. 2. Everyone is different. 3. Don’t be too hasty to generalize about sex. You’re usually wrong.
Tim Jousma said:
I think you’re over-emphasizing the role of porn in men’s lives (at least some men.) the man that watches porn and attempts to perform in real life like he sees on his computer screen is NOT a person emulating the actions he sees, it’s a man who cares NOT what the woman feels. And with an attitude like they, they lose their women like they lose a set of keys. a caring partner will not do this. hell, someone looking for some long term fun is not going to do that…lol.
You did hit it on the head that sometimes women don’t speak up about what they like. When my wife and I….you know….got down for the first few times…..I wasn’t…..performing up to her expectations. i didn’t realize this till she told me. I felt stupid BUT…..ultimately changed things around to make her happy. I’ve had female friends that have complained about their mates and looked at me strange when I even mentioned saying something to them about it.
Bottom line, you are right in that the subject needs to be more openly discussed. While I personally don’t feel porn is to blame for men’s actions (there were asshole men before porn and there will be asshole men after porn.), the fact that we live in a society that feels afraid to discuss this stuff is wrong and not healthy in the least.
Kaaya_Fitness_Coach said:
You hit the nail on the head. Communication is key.
I enjoy porn for stimulation whether alone or with my wife. I don’t expect my wife to do “all” those things and when she watches, she gets stimulated, but I know she doesn’t expect me to do “all” those things either.
As far as the bedroom, we had trouble at first because I knew I wasn’t getting it right, but she didn’t want to say anything. I told her the key is communication. She agreed but still didn’t communicate. Finally I had to go first and tell her a few things that I preferred differently then the way she was doing it and then she felt like, “If he can say it, why can’t I!?!” We communicate much better about it now and it makes all the difference.
Michael Rossiter said:
Interesting blog post. Marriagecoach1 is right on.
tom said:
Excellent, a post likely more popular than Justin Bieber and Tim Tebow combined
Dane Dormio said:
While that’s all well and good, as a polyamorous individual I would like to highlight two common hidden monogo-centric assumptions seemingly embedded in this piece of writing, namely:
1) That there is necessarily a connection between the level of sexual satisfaction in a relationship and the existence of outside attractions, and
2) That jealousy and love have ANYTHING to do with one another
Jessica Ward said:
Dude you’re a double dipper trying to clever your way to justification. Does it work?
Klextin said:
Ha HA she said double dipper, Good one Ms. Ward!
marriagecoach1 said:
Klextin is a sociopath who beat and strangled his fiance into unconciousness with the words “Good night bitch, now you are going to die.” This was of course after he beat her. I have the pics to prove it. I suggest that you ban this asshole from your blog. He also stole her engagement ring and other jewelry that he gave her.
Gwinnett county Ga apparently wants to practice “a good old boy version of southern Sharia Law” because even though he was arrested the DA did not prosecute him nor do they proecute any wifebeating assholes.
John Wilder
Jessica Ward said:
It’s also a WOW Guild
Dane Dormio said:
This comment strikes me as so immature that I am amazed it came from the author of this blog. But, in the interest of spreading awareness, I am happy and thriving, and by my observation the same is true of the polyamorous community at large.
Jane Jago said:
Good post that tackles some of the hype around pornography and how the porn mentality impacts everday sexuality and intimacy.
theduffboy said:
As someone who has this book in his library (and has read it twice), I think you may have missed the irony and complete title of the book: How to make love like a porn star: a cautionary tale. I agree with what you state: “The search for meaning in meaningless sex will always leave you feeling empty and searching for more, as the craving for the next thrill sets in.” Jenna’s life choices have not been the best; that is clear, but I guess few porn stars get to maintain healthy lifestyles after retirement (Jenny Ketcham, formerly known as Penny Flame, is admirable).
The Hook said:
Very cool “Red Light District” post! You make some valid points, but in a fun way!
administrator said:
So this post (and the blog, of course) is the eleventh hour nominee of the 2011 transatlantic diablog award. Nominated by Fishgirl.
Official votings start December 15, 2011. See you.
lexiconlover said:
Blog the fuck on!!!! (clapping standing ovation)
ranton2011 said:
all I can say is WOW! (and I am a ranter-so you got lucky!) great stuff!
Sarah Koopmans said:
Well said.
Pingback: The 2011 transatlantic diablog award – The eleventh hour! « the transatlantic diablog
ukashe said:
great post. reminded me of this video I saw the other day: http://youtu.be/s9QVq0EM6g4
Jessica Ward said:
I have been meaning to get back to you. There was nothing in the video that I didn’t agree with. The only problem she didn’t touch was that guys like her mystery stranger with the light flashing on her gentles and an ability to restrain himself from having his way with her are in short supply. Everything would be perfect is guys like that grew on trees. Thanks so much!
peculiarpotato said:
Women/Men just talk it out!It’s hard,but if you don’t know how to please one another, ask your partner what they like(grow a pair!)….Porn:Let’s face it.It’s just there for a couple of minutes then back to reality…Ask how many guys actually finish a porn movie(my guess,none!) it is just a fantasy world.Hell, women have fantasies too.Men’s fantasies are simple/Women’s are more complicated.Dammit,we dudes can get off to the sears catalog,we don’t even need porn.The truth is,we men just have to whack it or you women would never be able to leave the house(did I just say that?Huh,I did.)…..P.P……
Jessica Ward said:
Ha Ha Ha…. Yes you did lol!!!!
mockingbirddontwrite said:
I *JUST* had this conversation with my husband a few hours ago. I’m blessed to be married to a man who has never had a pornography “problem”. He’s never even seen one. (I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true.) He’s no saint but in this respect he is pretty saintly. We were talking about the dying of sexuality in today’s marriages and can see clear fault on both sides, many of which are the points you hit on. You’ve reeled me in with this honest post and I plan on staying.
KaayaFitnessKoach said:
Just a friendly question: Why is Pornography a “problem”? I mean my wife and I watch porn together, so I think it all a matter of perspective.
cozyblanketsnowflakerepetitioncompulsion said:
This is really well thought out and presented. I can totally see your points.
I do think think that when it comes to sex, from what I’ve experienced there are two different types:
1 sex for the physical pleasure
2 and sex for the emotional and physical
Abraham Maslow placed sex on his Hierarchy of needs twice. Once on the bottom rung of basic deficiency needs and then higher in needs for belonging and acceptance. Sometimes we need the quickie. Sometimes we need the caress, the kissing, the cherishing of each other’s flesh.
I think porn can be very unrealistic in that it presents a boring formula which is neither realistic nor pleasurable. I don’t really think it even intends to portray the actors genuinely enjoying it. It’s more like it’s all the visuals that you need in a 15-20 minute clip. This is why I’ve turned to amateur clip porn. It’s real people, having real sex. But you can still see that people are largely in the dark or have no care to use even basic pleasuring techniques.
If porn is a problem in a marriage then that’s not cool. But what about when both husband and wife like porn? I think it can be good for those times when physical union isn’t possible because of schedules or illness. Also it can be a great aspect of foreplay for couples who want some spice.
I definitely think that any man who gets his sexual technique from porn is in big trouble. And I realize that’s probably a reality. As a teen I was a man-whore and slept with lots of girls and then had a series of longer relationships, this helped me investigate what worked with different people.
It would boggle my mind to do something in bed that didn’t bring pleasure to the other person. Maybe it’s just me, but the biggest turn on is knowing your driving the other person wild with desire and pleasure.
Thanks again for the great post.
Cathy Bertrand, AKA: The Sexy Mom said:
Excellent. Well structured piece and a great topic! I’ll be back for more 🙂
ihaveishoes said:
First of all, Jessica, thank you for “liking” one of my posts. I truly appreciate it! Secondly, I really enjoyed this post. So much to think about. It’s always refreshing to speak flat-out truth or read it, that’s for sure.
empathologicalism said:
mockingbird
Gut check….if he says he has literally never even seen porn, he is lying.
There is a woman on a forum I frequent, her husband has her even more bamboozled. he says he never even thinks about sex unless she is physically in the same room with him.
Un huh…..
Jessica Ward said:
I wasn’t going to say anything. I figured I had pissed enough people off, and knew someone would say something eventually. Thanks 🙂
tusharsblog said:
Superb..