Crack Doesn’t Kill, It Just Makes Me Very Uncomfortable.

I love women’s fashion. Beautiful dresses and shoes galore. It became apparent early in my life that I would always choose comfort over couture. Trying different looks was short-lived, and I ended up being the jeans-and t-shirt girl that I am. I love a good pair of well-fit, broken-in jeans. My newly-developed concern for ever-changing fads are the cute low-rise jeans of today.

They seem to be getting lower and lower. They look adorable standing
but as soon as you sit or bend, it’s peek-a-boo with your backside. I
have spent a good chunk of time making sure this doesn’t happen to me.
Checking just how far I can bend before you see the top of my buns.
It’s always in the front of my mind. So I’m puzzled as to how so many
woman don’t feel the need to practice my ritual of modesty.

To say it bluntly: “I see a lot of crack.“ More and more everyday. How are they not aware that the top of their ass is exposed???

In addition, is there a polite way to tell someone they should ”pull
up their britches“? I have yet to find one. Am I gradually entering
the over-the-hill phase of my life, where you stop evolving with the
masses? Is it now acceptable to show your butt? I’m baffled!

Men have been mooning for as long as I can remember. It has been
universally labeled “plumber’s butt” and rightly so. It has always
been an off-putting sight, and negative as a whole. I can’t help but
feel the same way towards the female side of this wardrobe
malfunction.

It’s like a car wreck….I can’t look away…

When Legend Becomes Fact Print The Legend

When I moved to Austin, everybody would talk about all the things I had to do and needed to see. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre House was first on everybody’s list. I wasn’t really interested in seeing a house where a massacre took place, still everybody insisted. I started doing
some research about this infamous slaughterhouse and the blood bath that took place there in the 1970s.

What I found was very interesting: a whole lot of NOTHING…No newspaper
articles, no mug shots of Leatherface, and no death certificate for Grandpa.

It’s all fabricated.

Still, people swear that this gruesome event actually happened — a
friend of friend knew the family.

Whatever.

I see how it could be exciting to live where a historic event took
place, but a chainsaw-wielding cross-dresser and his enabling family? It kind of makes me sick.

I can’t fact people into submission — they would rather believe the
story. Not such a huge departure from our country’s history (or
history in general): full of fabrications, and exaggerations,
Thanksgiving, I cannot tell a lie about cherry trees, ect. The
hypocrisies aren’t hidden; you just have to look in places that
haven’t been filtered into being flattering and school
textbook-appropriate.

I am fascinated with child development and the fact that no parent
will ever get this very tricky responsibility right. Seeing the pure,
trusting excitement that a child feels when they know that Santa has
brought presents, or that the Easter bunny has scattered chocolate
eggs all over the backyard, may come at a price. The smiles are
warming to our hearts, but has some kind of eventual emotional damage
taken place at their expense? I can only speak for myself, but I
couldn’t help but feel confused and lied to when I found out
one-by-one that

the holiday characters that I thought loved me didn’t exist

not to mention

having all the infinite dreams and magic smashed into millions of sparkly shards that blew away with all of my possibilities.

After I learned that all the holiday magic was a big, fat lie, I found
myself questioning my faith in God. It’s like the boy who cried wolf;
after so many false alarms, I wasn’t going to fall for it again. Oh
yeah sure, God’s real… It was a very harsh reality check.

I would love to conduct an experiment with children being raised in
reality: pure and simple, no lies or candy-coated concepts. I would
just like to see if they were more realistic in life choices, more
selfless, and more contributing as a whole. Don’t worry Moms: I will
never have babies. My sister nearly killed me when I told my niece
that Santa was really her mommy and daddy. She still hasn’t forgiven
me for it, and my niece still chose to believe in Santa.

Santa’s Sweat Shop

It’s no secret that I hate the holidays. I have tried to celebrate them. My favorite holiday character is Scrooge; unlike him, I don’t have the ghosts of
Christmas past, present, or future to help me see the error of my
ways. I am so over the “God bless us every one,” I want to take Tiny
Tim’s crutch and knock him over the head with it.

We try desperately to hold on to the Christmas holiday traditions that
have been successfully preserved and embedded into our minds. We don’t
question the rather questionable customs. With Halloween, the
inevitable dangers are so widespread that we now have our candy
x-rayed and pedophiles have had their trick-or-treating rights
revoked.

Conversely, Christmas has remained unchanged with our ever-changing
times. Do we feel that Santa Claus is an acceptable holiday icon for
the children of today? He’s a really old man, who has no children of
his own, but loves kids so much he has spent countless years
overlooking poor little elves frantically slaving away as they make
toys for the Santa following children of the world. He is welcome into
your homes. If you think about it, Santa really fit’s the
stereotypical profile of a child molester. What parent would let their
child desire the attention of a grown man who has no children and a
never-ending supply of gifts and candy? (Michael Jackson) I would be
skeptical.

I just think it’s confusing. We teach children not to take candy from
strangers… with Santa being an exception. We still lug our kids to
the mall for the traditional sitting on Santa’s lap photo-op. I have
seen so many trembling babies being forced to sit on Santa’s lap so
mom and dad can capture the perfect moment of Baby’s First Christmas.
But all the babies are crying hysterically! They don’t want to sit on
some strange man’s lap! Still, you convince your kids to pose for
pictures. It’s traumatizing.

Santa is never ever liked at first glance – we have to teach kids
that he gives candy and presents, and then they love him
. Is Santa
the foundation for all of the greed and excess in our
consumer-thriving, uncaring economy? He gets all the thanks and
gratitude while most people are still paying off last year’s holiday
generosity. We do it to ourselves.

Hints of Life

I was thinking it would be fun to list all of the helpful hints I have
discovered to simplify my life. Feel free to comment and share yours.

Matchbox

I keep a box of matches in every bathroom in
my house. My ex-husband has the most rancid digestion problems due to his poor diet. It was difficult and frustrating to express my discontent when he thought it was so funny. My brother told me that
lighting a match would neutralize the mustard gas bombs that were
launched like clockwork on a daily basis in my presence. It worked,
thank God. The habit stuck and I never have to walk into a
gastrointestinal ambush again. It’s also helpful when you find
yourself in a new relationship where you’re not quite comfortable when
it comes to colon evacuation. As an extra precaution keep a box of wet
naps handy too.

Two-Sided Sponge

I always used the abrasive side of my sponge when I did my dishes. I would have the hardest time getting my Tupperware squeaky clean. I was watching a
special on The Food Network hosted by my favorite Food Network personality Alton Brown. He scientifically demonstrated how simply flipping my sponge from the scrubby side to wash my grease laced plastic would not only properly clean them but it would produce that
squeaky clean sound that has the same addictive appeasement I get when
I pop bubble wrap.

Bleach

I always keep an olive oil dispenser of bleach to the right of my dish washing sink. My mother had told me years ago about a salmonella study she read about.
The group conducting the study had a woman prepare a chicken dinner for her family, and clean as she went so her kitchen would be tidy when dinner was ready. They tested her visually spotless kitchen and found thriving salmonella all over her counter tops, cabinet fixtures, sink and dishes. The next day they had her do it again. The same meal with the exact same method of cleanup only this time she was asked to add 10 drops of bleach to her dishwater. The findings were remarkable.
No salmonella could be found. I was instantly converted and have been
a devout follower ever since. I practice my belief every time I wash
my dishes. I also use bleach-water to wash all of my fresh veggies, fruits,
and herbs. I was skeptical when my husband explained his method of
produce preservation but the proof is in the plums. By dipping rinsing
and draining all of our fresh produce I have witnessed the doubling of
their life expectancy, and no one has sprouted a third eye. Well not
yet!

Instead Cups

I use insteads instead of tampons. They work like a diaphragm cupping the
cervix to collect blood flow. You can wear them for up to 12 hours and
will never again have to go through the disgusting reminder that it’s
your time of the month when you unmindfuly pee on your tampon string.
When I first started using them I was preoccupied with concern over
leakage. Surprisingly there has never been an occurrence, and for you
brave women sex is magically back on the menu. I have always been
scared that the rim of the instead although soft and pliable would
somehow rake across my partners penis during intercourse rendering him
out of commission till further notice. I am usually very tender on the
first day of my period so I never use them until day two. In the
beginning I would recommend using the shower for evacuation of menstrual
emissions. Just until you get your angles right.

Baking Soda

Heartburn was a common thing in my last life. I would get it all the time, and had trouble finding something that gave me lasting relief. I was watching an episode of food detectives they said If you drink a small amount of baking soda dissolved in cold water It will instantly neutralize your heartburn and make you belch a tune of appeasement without the acid reflux. It works just make sure you drink it fast because it tastes absolutely putrid.

Nothing

This is for the guys. When your girlfriend /wife/ whatever is obviously upset with you, but when you ask what’s wrong their reply is “Nothing“ usually it’s because they’ve found something incriminating while snooping through your stuff. The only way to nip it in the bud is to call them out on it. Have fun with this little nugget of knowledge, and report back to me.

No Pockets No Longer

All of the modern styles of jeans seem to be designed for shapeless twigs. I have hips! I love them but wrapping the gift God gave me in the wrong packaging can be an unflattering no-no. I really hated that
I could see the bottom of my front pockets
across my thighs. I would bunch them up so it wasn’t visible anymore but all that did was give the illusion of having a kind of stretched camel toe. So I cut out my pockets and fixed the problem. My jeans fit better at my hips but I still had a problem with my pockets gaping open so I sewed them shut. I do this with all of my jeans and slacks. It gives a much more flattering fit and you don’t have to contend with
compromising bumps and bulges that give the illusion of a belly pooch
or could be mistaken for a tranny boner.

There’s a lot more but I think this is enough to get started. I’m
excited to hear all of your helpful hints so don’t be shy….

Poof! You’re A Parent

I got married when I was 16. I wasn’t ready for the instant upgrade from teenager to adult. It was like saying, “I’m an adult now!” miraculously made me one. I had to grow into the role just like everyone else. I was terrified at the thought that I had assumed the identity of an adult through the simple act of signing a piece of paper.

It took several months to view myself as a wife. I was reminded that I was married throughout the day because my wedding band would make my skin sweat as it pressed against the folds of my fingers, irritating the webs of my hands. I needed to dry and readjust the band several times a day. I would be annoyed, and say, “What the heck is bugging me? Oh yeah, I’m married.” The ring’s symbolic meaning changed over the duration of my marriage. It originally reminded me of happiness, love, and commitment; surprisingly, that ring became a binding reminder of my discontent, and realizations that we didn‘t love each other enough. This is why I will never put another ring on my finger.

A relationship is a choice, not an obligation.

After I left my husband, it took some time to not feel married. It was a weird thing to take the wedding band off my finger knowing that I would never put it back on. I had emotionally severed myself from my husband and was resolved in my decision to no longer honor my marriage. I was done!! But I still found myself wrapping my right hands fingers over my left to adjust a ring that was no longer there. Reminding myself, “Oh, I’m divorced,” it was funny to me that I was using the same method to get comfortable with my new socially contemporary title of divorcée.

Fast forward a few months. Now that I’m remarried, I find myself confronted with a whole new set of titles that my mind needs to catch up to. When someone asks me about my husband, I have this puzzling mental image of my ex. It’s not something I stress over — it’s more of a funny-how-the-mind-works kind of feeling. I just know it’s going to take some time to habituate my life.

The tension-filled disapproval of my marital status has been weird. This marriage is both mine and my new husband’s second marriage. For some reason, all of the people who oppose find comfort in not accepting the fact that we are legally wed.

I had to take a step back and think about the possible reasons people choose not take our marriage seriously. It became clearer to me that people have individual grieving and healing processes. I was done with my marriage the second I turned off the front porch lights of my house locked the door and closed it behind me. It symbolized closing an old, dormant chapter in the book of my life, and helped me move on. Not everyone works the way I do.

For a lot of people we still belong to our exes, and it hurts when the mind reminds them that we aren’t. I am sensitive to the pain we caused but I also know it was deservingly just. Remember:

a relationship is a choice not an obligation.

Another thing I am facing is the flip-flopping status of my “stepparent-ness.” People on “Team Us” are calling me a mother, and everyone else says I’m playing house. I want to make it clear that I do not feel like a parent. When people call me “Mom” I can’t help but feel annoyed. My mind hasn’t caught up yet, and I’m not really sure what role I feel comfortable playing in their lives. I am a stepparent by virtue of my status (regardless of preparation), but just like being told I’m an adult (before I was ready) it doesn’t make me one. I need to grow into the role.

The Mollifying Benefits Of Pornography…

I was skimming over a friend’s book collection a few months ago. I browsed through her numerous books covering every topic from world travel to quantum physics. There was one book that stuck out like a sore thumb from the other mature and sophisticated reads: Jenna Jameson’s How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. I was instantly intrigued, and wondered how this sexy how-to book got mixed in with the other tame and acceptable mainstream topics.

It got me thinking about what was socially acceptable. Sex is always something not openly displayed for the world to see. We have to actively search for it, and then we store it under our bed or in our nightstand. It would be interesting if people could be honest about who they are and display their porn collection in the living room next to their National Geographic and TV Guide. It might lead to an open discourse about the unrealistic expectations the sex industry sets. As I read Jenna’s book it became clear that she is a very weak-minded person that has allowed (and invited) countless occasions for mental and sexual abuse to take up residency in her soul. I’m not sure she realizes how unworthy she really is to offer any advice to girls and women. All I got from the book was that:

Girls in porn don’t have orgasms on camera EVER!!!

Boys that start viewing pornography at a young age before their first sexual experience condition themselves to only have sex like a porn star. This causes so many problems. Boys aren’t learning how to please their partners — they are learning how to jack hammer their mark for the most visually pleasing pop shot. The lesson they’ll never learn is:

Girls are tricky; we need things to climax, and
Sex like a porn star doesn’t cut it.

I hope that most girls are comfortable enough to have that difficult conversation. If they don’t, then they enable their guys to think their performance is effective. Guys are usually too simple to catch on to your rhythmic groaning and your lack of vaginal moisture. I know you would rather keep up the illusion of being a satisfied sex kitten, but

You’re not helping your relationship by pretending.

It will escalate overtime if you don’t speak up. If you have ever made love like a lover you know that cheep thrills and fetishes don’t measure up to satisfying sex. Making love like a lover is where both partners are equally invested and care about pleasing the other. I think the adventures in sexual experimentation are really attempts to find satisfaction from meaningless sex. The search for meaning in meaningless sex will always leave you feeling empty and searching for more, as the craving for the next thrill sets in. I have heard about this getting out of hand.

Couples that aren’t pleased sexually
=> Start to entertain the thoughts of sexual exploration
=> Then they flirt with the desire to fulfill a vivid fantasy
=> Ultimately, they act on it

If you’ve entered into the binding restrictions of marriage, and if you think you have found a shortcut to conscience-stricken gratification by manipulating your spouse into situations that make you feel less guilty about having sex with other people, I’m afraid all you did was thicken the plot. It never satisfies the craving — it just makes the problems crystal clear. He wasn’t wanting to heat up your sex life, girls… he was wanting to heat up his. To the guys: your wife just went along with it to make you happy. You selfishly inflicted her with conflicting emotions about love relationships, true intentions and sex, just so you could get your rocks off. You should have:

Spared her the sexual abuse and just told her you don’t love her enough to not want to see her

get plowed by another dude...

I always tend to agree with the testosterone-driven side of the relationship equation. Estrogen-enriched beings are passive-aggressive loons who have fine-tuned the parallel arts of entitlement and victimization. We really are the reason for our troubles, and the fact that our simple counterparts aren’t mind-readers and can only go by what we tell them or don’t makes the fault entirely ours. I love the saying, “The only dumb question is the one that isn’t asked,” which means that leaving important questions off the table till after dessert is

an entrapment strategy.

All of our relationship expectations should be digesting before the appetizers are even ordered. I’m trying to find a way to mentally allow myself to place the blame entirely on the guy, but I don’t think I can do it. It’s a calibration from both sides.

I‘ve had 5 girlfriends sporadically placed through my life that were in troubled marriages because their husbands preferred pornography over marital sex. My friends had convinced themselves that pornography was the only problem in their marriages. I don’t get it why would a guy choose the humiliating option of airbrushed fantasy over the bitter, angry, overweight, still-in-the-same-pajamas-when-you-get-home-from-a- hard-days-work-to-no-dinner-on-the-table, nagging ball and chain. I felt sorry for the guys; their wives did everything in their power to make their husbands miserable for inconveniencing their delusion and for forcing their wife (with all the adjectives above) to view reality. With one exception, all of their marriages have resulted in an inevitable divorce. So I conclude that

Pornography doesn’t cause bad marriages it keeps you in them

Entrapment…

It really sucks that all of the huge life molding choices take place in our youth. Our decisions on education, marriage, body piercing/tattoos, children, and sexual orientation are all made before we are set-in-stone adults. It’s really scary if you think about it. We have made all of our life-changing accommodations under the influence of hormone-induced rebellion.

I got married when I was 16. At that point in my life I couldn’t foresee my husband and I growing apart. We were madly in love. I felt lucky and blessed to have dodged the whole incestuous dating game and heartache crap. I was getting a head start on being a grown up.

It was interesting to witness the gradual progression of my maturity. I was growing into a person I could be proud of. In contrast, my husband remained forever stuck in his vegetative state of slothful laziness. I felt guilty for being humiliated by him. It was something I struggled with often. His lack of manners, and his inability to offer even the smallest stimulating thought was arduous. I would dream that one day he would be the person I needed: someone who challenged my opinions, and someone who didn’t have a sick addiction to fast food and his Xbox360. I would look at him and think, “How the hell did I end up with someone vastly different from myself?”

People would ask me how we ended up with each other. We just look awkward together. He was unkempt and overweight, and I was fit and pulled together. I spoke with articulate clarity and he spoke with a slurred southern drawl, and used every stereotypical redneck phrase known to man. It made me feel like I was married to someone who didn’t respect me enough to try to look nice for me. He just couldn’t be bothered. I remember having difficult conversations with him about how I wish he was interested in something other than video games, or how I wished he didn’t eat unhealthy food. His reply was always “no you don’t.” This made me the bad guy, metaphorically putting a huge ink stamp across my forehead that said, “Doesn’t have a sensitive bone her body!!” The tricky situation I found myself in was this: by me confessing that I had a problem with his weight, I was somehow unsupportive and was the cause of his self-loathing. But in truth he had no intention of changing, and by calling me insensitive he could guilt me off of his scent so he could keep living how he wanted.

I find it very telling that after our separation he started to lose weight, and dress differently. See… he’s setting his trap for the next sucker. I think it’s the only way lazy people can get someone to marry them. You have to trick them into falling in love with you by marketing yourself as someone else and then when you get them you flip the switch and tell them it’s their fault you got fat and lazy. Now tell the truth — how many times have you seen this scenario play out?

It’s a cautionary tale we need to be teaching to our children. Don’t prematurely seal your fate. You will grow and change along with your choices. Don’t make the wrong ones or you will trap yourself in a life that isn’t you…

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